Looking For Serenity….

I’m lying in bed. Kids are asleep. Jim passed out hours ago. The lights are out. Dogs did their last pee and doors are all shut and locked. I have finished all my work for the night and I am at peace. I brushed my teeth and washed my face with my salicylic acid overnight cleanser to fight my acne (because I’m apparently a 14 year old stuck in a 30 year old body). I am under no stress. I have four pillows strategically placed around my body (creating a wall between me and Jim) and the only thing standing between me and tomorrow morning is just shutting my eyes. Ahhhh……..Relaxation…………Silence…………………..And then……………….. SLFUPP. “What was that?” I thought. SFYLUPES. “Whose there?” It takes me a second to contemplate. This sound, it’s gross. I can’t even spell it right. But in the dark of night it becomes clear. This is possibly the worst sound in the world…the slurping sound of my dog’s INCESSANT licking of his privates. SLUPFSE, FSLUEH, WHATEVER!! First, I give a little nudge and a firm, “NO!” Then, a little kick. “Please stop!” I swear this dog hates me. When I die and am peacefully heading toward the pearly gates, I will hear a faint but reassuring sound………SLUPPSHIE, SLUPPSHIE…….and I will know that I’m home.